Reporting back: I think it's really bricked. I can't re-install 9.04. Nothing but the live USB itself shows up in fdisk -l with either a Crunchbang or Gparted live USB. I've even flashed the BIOS with the latest update, took out the battery, hit the little reset button on the bottom. This really doesn't look like a software problem anymore. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say KARMIC KILLED MY LAPTOP.
Reporting back: I think it's really bricked. I can't re-install 9.04. Nothing but the live USB itself shows up in fdisk -l with either a Crunchbang or Gparted live USB. I've even flashed the BIOS with the latest update, took out the battery, hit the little reset button on the bottom. This really doesn't look like a software problem anymore. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say KARMIC KILLED MY LAPTOP.