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1b1ed1a
(Get the code!)
SOLVED!
After a weekend of Googling and trying different things, I discovered the problem was my ether cable is too long. Although the spec says 100 metres is max, and mine was well below that, there was additional signal degradation due to (probably!) poor splices.
My cable was: 20ft to a wall plug, estimating 50ft inside the wall (and I do not know what is inside my walls) to a splice, and another 8ft to the router. Well below the 100 metres (~325ft), but the splices degrade the signal too much, I guess.